Sunday, 13 June 2010
End of Term Reports
I know I have reports to write. I know when they are due in. I just need to find my motivation first...
Thursday, 13 May 2010
OFSTED
It just been to be one of the most stressful weeks of my whole life.
"Pass me a vodka"!!
Every teachers worst nightmare - OFSTED have been in school for the past three days! There wasn’t a member of staff who wasn’t flapping, trips got cancelled, including swimming lessons and cycle week. Every spare second I had went into finishing my prep. It seems like ages since I had a night out. I missed all the good telly and with an open evening on at school too there certainly wasn’t time between lessons to do it or even think about it.
I remember our last inspection. I must have explained to my little darlings a hundred times why there was a strange man in the corner. It only lasted twenty minutes then he walked off and said nothing to me.
It reminded me of a bad one-night stand I had years ago.
"Pass me a vodka"!!
Every teachers worst nightmare - OFSTED have been in school for the past three days! There wasn’t a member of staff who wasn’t flapping, trips got cancelled, including swimming lessons and cycle week. Every spare second I had went into finishing my prep. It seems like ages since I had a night out. I missed all the good telly and with an open evening on at school too there certainly wasn’t time between lessons to do it or even think about it.
I remember our last inspection. I must have explained to my little darlings a hundred times why there was a strange man in the corner. It only lasted twenty minutes then he walked off and said nothing to me.
It reminded me of a bad one-night stand I had years ago.
Saturday, 6 March 2010
I'm in between posts, so I thought I’d have a go at another Sunday Meme. Only it’s Saturday – so forgive me.
Here goes:
1. How old will you be in five years?
I will be 37, hopefully still young but not free and single.
2. Who did you spend at least two hours with today?
Nick, unexpectedly came over.
3. How tall are you?
Around 5ft 4 inches – unless I wear stilettos in which case I grow to 6’ 8”.
4. What do you look forward to most in the next six weeks?
2 weeks off school for Easter.
5. What’s the last movie you saw?
Grand Tourino – I was a bit disappointed – I thought I’d be watching a film about racing cars.
6. Who was the last person you called?
One of my best friends Tanji, we are going to Glastonbury in June, and she promised she’d email a list of things to pack.
7. Who was the last person to call you?
Heather, to see if I wanted to go to The Red House today.
8. What was the last text message you received?
A text from Tanji to ask where me and Heather were.
9. Who was the last person to leave you a voicemail?
The HT at school to ask about lesson planning.
10. Do you prefer to call or text?
I am old fashioned and prefer to hear the sound of a voice. Call me strange but “textspeak” is not only lazy, it is totally incomprehensible. I mean, what on earth does “c u l8r xxx” mean>
11. What were you doing at 12am last night?
In bed trying out my new memory foam pillow.
12. Are your parents married/separated/divorced?
My parents were married but separated, right up until the time my father died in the Warrenpoint bombing in Ireland in 1979
13. When is the last time you saw your mum?
Errm, probably at Nicole’s funeral.
14. What color are your eyes?
A very un-sexy muddy brown colour.
15. What time did you wake up today?
I woke up at 07:45, which was bloody annoying considering I wanted a lie-in. Why is that at the weekend, when you don’t have to set the alarm clock for some ungodly hour, that your body clock decides to boot you awake at an ungodly hour? I mean come on – it is just not bloody fair is it? I’ll try again tomorrow.
16. What are you wearing right now?
A grey jumper and leggings.
17. What is your favorite song?
At the moment its “Rabbit Heart” Florence & the Machine.
18. Where is your favorite place to be?
Sitting in a cafe in Rome, watching the world go by.
19. Where is your least favorite place to be?
Sitting in my classroom, with 26 restless kids at 9am on a Monday morning.
20. Where would you go if you could go anywhere?
I would love to travel around India.
21. Where do you think you’ll be in 10 years?
I’d like to think I’d be traveling around India – but I’ll probably just be doing the same old job and I’ll just be 10 years older.
22. Do you tan or burn?
I absolutely fry. I become brightest lobster you have ever seen.
23. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
I thought that a vampire would burst into my room, drain me of all my blood and leave lying there looking even more deathly white than I usually am.
I wouldn’t have minded had it been a sexy male vampire though.
24. What was the last thing that really made you laugh?
When we were discussing food at school and one of the kids said her mum made ‘Porned Beef’ Kinky cow!
25. How many TVs do you have in your house?
One – I’m poor – and it’s the size of a postage stamp.
26. How big is your bed?
A standard double – I’d love a king sized but the room is minute.
27. Do you have a laptop or desktop computer?
I have a clapped out laptop from school that I use for work and listen to music, and watch the odd DVD.
29. What color are your sheets?
They were crisp white till I washed them with a grey sock – so you could sort of say they were, murky white, which reminds me I need to get some bleach.
30. How many pillows do you sleep with?
I just bought a memory foam pillow in the hope that if I slept on it I might remember more. There are six pillows on the bed I sleep with only one.
31. What is your favorite season?
Summer, without a doubt – I get the a whole six weeks off work :-)
32. What do you like about Autumn?
Bonfires and treacle toffee.
33. What do you like about winter?
Nothing – I’d rather hibernate.
34. What do you like about the summer?
Bar-B-Q’s and chilling in the sun with a glass of chilled Rose.
35. What do you like about spring?
The fact that winter has ended and it will soon be summer.
36. How many states provinces have you lived in?
I’ve never lived in a state, I’ve only ever lived in Leeds, Cheshire and Greater Manchester.
37. What cities/towns have you lived in?
I was born in Hale (a rather posh village actually, I then moved to Leeds, moved to Manchester, moved to Wythenshawe (a small town near Manchester, but nowhere near the same league as 'Hale'). But, I’m going to live in Rome later this year.
38. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet?
Bare feet, Try wearing stilettos after ten vodka's!
39. Are you a social person?
I am very social once I can conquer the initial shyness.
40. What was the last thing you ate?
A Slimfast.
41. What is your favorite restaurant?
Alisander – but it’s very expensive, and I wasn't paying.
42. What is your favorite ice cream?
Every flavour available, especially if it’s got chocolate in too.
43. What is your favorite dessert?
I’m a real pudding person, so it would have to be Sticky Toffee Pudding J
44. What is your favorite kind of soup?
Tomato and Basil.
45. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich?
Jelly? On a sandwich? That’s bloody weird!!!!!! It must have been written by an American.
46. Do you like Chinese food?
I love Chinese food – Yes and Eat East does the best take out.
47. Do you like coffee?
Coffee – it keeps me alive. I mean without a mug of it every hour on the hour I’d be falling asleep at my desk!
48. How many glasses of water, a day, do you drink on average?
Is that the stuff from you get out of the tap? eerm I clean my teeth with it - does that count?
49. What do you drink in the morning?
Half a bottle of vodka.
No – just kidding – a huge mug of Nescafe.
50. What non-banking related card in your purse is the most valuable to you?
My Boots loyalty card. I spend a fortune there.
51. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?
Yes – in the middle.
52. Do you know how to play poker?
I know how to lose badly at poker – that’s why I never play it.
53. Do you like to cuddle?
Of course. I love to cuddle but, when drunk I will cuddle anybody and anything, particularly lamp posts.
54. Have you ever been to Canada?
No – but I’ve seen it on TV.
55. Do you have an addictive personality?
I would’nt say so.
56. Do you eat out or at home more often?
At home – I’m poor – I eat at the same time as watching Big Brother on my postage stamp sized TV.
57. What do you miss about school, if anything?
I miss absolutely nothing about school. It was ritual torture and humiliation and all teachers without exception are sadistic bullies who don’t like to be called names by anarchistic children - That’s why I decided to teach! a teacher!
58. Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you?
No.
59. Do you want kids?
I have 26 kids in my class – enough to put anybody off!
60. Do you speak any other languages?
No – I’m moving to italy soon and my Italian is cr@p
61. Have you ever gotten stitches?
Does a butterfly stitch count?
62. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?
I’ve never ridden in an ambulance and have no desire to do so either.
63. Do you prefer an ocean or a pool?
An ocean – I love to splash about in the sea.
64. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seat?
I prefer a window seat – I put on my iPod and ignore the rest of the world until I reach my destination.
65. Do you know how to drive stick?
I presume you are not talking about a broomstick because the answer would be “no”.
In the UK we learn to drive with a gear stick and, since 95% of our cars have gear sticks, the answer is a resounding “yes”.
66. What is your favorite thing to spend money on?
Me – of course!
Here goes:
1. How old will you be in five years?
I will be 37, hopefully still young but not free and single.
2. Who did you spend at least two hours with today?
Nick, unexpectedly came over.
3. How tall are you?
Around 5ft 4 inches – unless I wear stilettos in which case I grow to 6’ 8”.
4. What do you look forward to most in the next six weeks?
2 weeks off school for Easter.
5. What’s the last movie you saw?
Grand Tourino – I was a bit disappointed – I thought I’d be watching a film about racing cars.
6. Who was the last person you called?
One of my best friends Tanji, we are going to Glastonbury in June, and she promised she’d email a list of things to pack.
7. Who was the last person to call you?
Heather, to see if I wanted to go to The Red House today.
8. What was the last text message you received?
A text from Tanji to ask where me and Heather were.
9. Who was the last person to leave you a voicemail?
The HT at school to ask about lesson planning.
10. Do you prefer to call or text?
I am old fashioned and prefer to hear the sound of a voice. Call me strange but “textspeak” is not only lazy, it is totally incomprehensible. I mean, what on earth does “c u l8r xxx” mean>
11. What were you doing at 12am last night?
In bed trying out my new memory foam pillow.
12. Are your parents married/separated/divorced?
My parents were married but separated, right up until the time my father died in the Warrenpoint bombing in Ireland in 1979
13. When is the last time you saw your mum?
Errm, probably at Nicole’s funeral.
14. What color are your eyes?
A very un-sexy muddy brown colour.
15. What time did you wake up today?
I woke up at 07:45, which was bloody annoying considering I wanted a lie-in. Why is that at the weekend, when you don’t have to set the alarm clock for some ungodly hour, that your body clock decides to boot you awake at an ungodly hour? I mean come on – it is just not bloody fair is it? I’ll try again tomorrow.
16. What are you wearing right now?
A grey jumper and leggings.
17. What is your favorite song?
At the moment its “Rabbit Heart” Florence & the Machine.
18. Where is your favorite place to be?
Sitting in a cafe in Rome, watching the world go by.
19. Where is your least favorite place to be?
Sitting in my classroom, with 26 restless kids at 9am on a Monday morning.
20. Where would you go if you could go anywhere?
I would love to travel around India.
21. Where do you think you’ll be in 10 years?
I’d like to think I’d be traveling around India – but I’ll probably just be doing the same old job and I’ll just be 10 years older.
22. Do you tan or burn?
I absolutely fry. I become brightest lobster you have ever seen.
23. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
I thought that a vampire would burst into my room, drain me of all my blood and leave lying there looking even more deathly white than I usually am.
I wouldn’t have minded had it been a sexy male vampire though.
24. What was the last thing that really made you laugh?
When we were discussing food at school and one of the kids said her mum made ‘Porned Beef’ Kinky cow!
25. How many TVs do you have in your house?
One – I’m poor – and it’s the size of a postage stamp.
26. How big is your bed?
A standard double – I’d love a king sized but the room is minute.
27. Do you have a laptop or desktop computer?
I have a clapped out laptop from school that I use for work and listen to music, and watch the odd DVD.
29. What color are your sheets?
They were crisp white till I washed them with a grey sock – so you could sort of say they were, murky white, which reminds me I need to get some bleach.
30. How many pillows do you sleep with?
I just bought a memory foam pillow in the hope that if I slept on it I might remember more. There are six pillows on the bed I sleep with only one.
31. What is your favorite season?
Summer, without a doubt – I get the a whole six weeks off work :-)
32. What do you like about Autumn?
Bonfires and treacle toffee.
33. What do you like about winter?
Nothing – I’d rather hibernate.
34. What do you like about the summer?
Bar-B-Q’s and chilling in the sun with a glass of chilled Rose.
35. What do you like about spring?
The fact that winter has ended and it will soon be summer.
36. How many states provinces have you lived in?
I’ve never lived in a state, I’ve only ever lived in Leeds, Cheshire and Greater Manchester.
37. What cities/towns have you lived in?
I was born in Hale (a rather posh village actually, I then moved to Leeds, moved to Manchester, moved to Wythenshawe (a small town near Manchester, but nowhere near the same league as 'Hale'). But, I’m going to live in Rome later this year.
38. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet?
Bare feet, Try wearing stilettos after ten vodka's!
39. Are you a social person?
I am very social once I can conquer the initial shyness.
40. What was the last thing you ate?
A Slimfast.
41. What is your favorite restaurant?
Alisander – but it’s very expensive, and I wasn't paying.
42. What is your favorite ice cream?
Every flavour available, especially if it’s got chocolate in too.
43. What is your favorite dessert?
I’m a real pudding person, so it would have to be Sticky Toffee Pudding J
44. What is your favorite kind of soup?
Tomato and Basil.
45. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich?
Jelly? On a sandwich? That’s bloody weird!!!!!! It must have been written by an American.
46. Do you like Chinese food?
I love Chinese food – Yes and Eat East does the best take out.
47. Do you like coffee?
Coffee – it keeps me alive. I mean without a mug of it every hour on the hour I’d be falling asleep at my desk!
48. How many glasses of water, a day, do you drink on average?
Is that the stuff from you get out of the tap? eerm I clean my teeth with it - does that count?
49. What do you drink in the morning?
Half a bottle of vodka.
No – just kidding – a huge mug of Nescafe.
50. What non-banking related card in your purse is the most valuable to you?
My Boots loyalty card. I spend a fortune there.
51. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?
Yes – in the middle.
52. Do you know how to play poker?
I know how to lose badly at poker – that’s why I never play it.
53. Do you like to cuddle?
Of course. I love to cuddle but, when drunk I will cuddle anybody and anything, particularly lamp posts.
54. Have you ever been to Canada?
No – but I’ve seen it on TV.
55. Do you have an addictive personality?
I would’nt say so.
56. Do you eat out or at home more often?
At home – I’m poor – I eat at the same time as watching Big Brother on my postage stamp sized TV.
57. What do you miss about school, if anything?
I miss absolutely nothing about school. It was ritual torture and humiliation and all teachers without exception are sadistic bullies who don’t like to be called names by anarchistic children - That’s why I decided to teach! a teacher!
58. Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you?
No.
59. Do you want kids?
I have 26 kids in my class – enough to put anybody off!
60. Do you speak any other languages?
No – I’m moving to italy soon and my Italian is cr@p
61. Have you ever gotten stitches?
Does a butterfly stitch count?
62. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?
I’ve never ridden in an ambulance and have no desire to do so either.
63. Do you prefer an ocean or a pool?
An ocean – I love to splash about in the sea.
64. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seat?
I prefer a window seat – I put on my iPod and ignore the rest of the world until I reach my destination.
65. Do you know how to drive stick?
I presume you are not talking about a broomstick because the answer would be “no”.
In the UK we learn to drive with a gear stick and, since 95% of our cars have gear sticks, the answer is a resounding “yes”.
66. What is your favorite thing to spend money on?
Me – of course!
Million Dollar Question
Should I mark my 'Little Darlings' homework or go to The Red House with Heather & Tanji?
Sunday, 7 February 2010
My first meme
1. Is there anybody you just wish would fall off the planet?
Certain family members, my snobby sister-in-law for one, Victoria Beckham, Jordan ~(Yes I'm Team Andre), my ex, and the ex before him.
2. How do you flush the toilet in public?
I try not to use a public loo unless I'm desperate, I usually sneek into a posh hotel and pretend to be a resident.
3. Do you use your phone in the car?
Uuurrmm.
4. Do you have a crush on someone?
A parent I met at parents evening, unfortunately his son is the naughtiest kid in the whole school :o(
and the the guy who sits on the window ledge, near the Blue Iguana, on his lap top, stealing someone elses wi-fi.
5. Name one thing you worry about running out of.
Vodka
6. What famous person do you (or other people) think you resemble?
Everyone says I look like a chubbier version of Nicola from Girls Aloud - Not exactly a compliment is it?
7. What is your favourite pizza topping?
Cheese, red onion and peppers.
8. Do you crack your knuckles?
No - Im scared they'll fall off.
9. What song do you hate the most?
Anything that been an 'X' Factor number one!
10. If you could have a superpower what would it be?
To be able to read peoples minds!!!
11. Coffee or Tea?
Coffee - Latte with vanilla syrup on the top :o)
12. Where are your car keys?
In my handbag. I think!
13. What was the last song you listened to?
Kings of Leon 'Use Somebody'
14. What was the last fim you saw?
New Moon.
15. Where did you last go on holiday?
Rome - but it was a holiday/job interview.
16. What is your best physical feature?
Asking me that is like trying to find a diamond in a muddy puddle. I would probably say my brown eyes, although certain crazy men appear to like my red hair for some unknown reason.
17. What CD is closest to you right now?
'Lungs' Florence & the Machine
18. What 3 things can always be found in your refrigerator?
Milk, White Wine & Rose Wine
19. What superstition do you believe/practice?
I say 'white rabbits' on the first day of every month
20. What colour are your bed sheets?
Crisp white cotton
21. Would you rather be a fish or a bird?
A fish - but not a cod!!!
22. Last thing you broke?
My ex's heart
23. What are you having to eat tonight?
A Slimfast
24. What colour top are you wearing?
A Black/Grey 'Bench' T'Shirt
25. If you could be doing anything else today, what would you rather be doing?
I can't choose between having a lazy day in bed or going for a drink with the girls.
26. Do security cameras make you nervous?
Yes - especially if I'm drunk
27. Last concert you went to?
Athlete at the 'Band on the Wall' in Manchester
28. Next concert you're planning to attend?
I'm going to Glastonbury in June.
29. Do you talk to yourself?
All the time - I'm the only one who ever makes any sense.
30. Have you ever adopted or purchased a pet?
I dont' do animals.
Labels: meme, Random questions, Sunday Stealing
Certain family members, my snobby sister-in-law for one, Victoria Beckham, Jordan ~(Yes I'm Team Andre), my ex, and the ex before him.
2. How do you flush the toilet in public?
I try not to use a public loo unless I'm desperate, I usually sneek into a posh hotel and pretend to be a resident.
3. Do you use your phone in the car?
Uuurrmm.
4. Do you have a crush on someone?
A parent I met at parents evening, unfortunately his son is the naughtiest kid in the whole school :o(
and the the guy who sits on the window ledge, near the Blue Iguana, on his lap top, stealing someone elses wi-fi.
5. Name one thing you worry about running out of.
Vodka
6. What famous person do you (or other people) think you resemble?
Everyone says I look like a chubbier version of Nicola from Girls Aloud - Not exactly a compliment is it?
7. What is your favourite pizza topping?
Cheese, red onion and peppers.
8. Do you crack your knuckles?
No - Im scared they'll fall off.
9. What song do you hate the most?
Anything that been an 'X' Factor number one!
10. If you could have a superpower what would it be?
To be able to read peoples minds!!!
11. Coffee or Tea?
Coffee - Latte with vanilla syrup on the top :o)
12. Where are your car keys?
In my handbag. I think!
13. What was the last song you listened to?
Kings of Leon 'Use Somebody'
14. What was the last fim you saw?
New Moon.
15. Where did you last go on holiday?
Rome - but it was a holiday/job interview.
16. What is your best physical feature?
Asking me that is like trying to find a diamond in a muddy puddle. I would probably say my brown eyes, although certain crazy men appear to like my red hair for some unknown reason.
17. What CD is closest to you right now?
'Lungs' Florence & the Machine
18. What 3 things can always be found in your refrigerator?
Milk, White Wine & Rose Wine
19. What superstition do you believe/practice?
I say 'white rabbits' on the first day of every month
20. What colour are your bed sheets?
Crisp white cotton
21. Would you rather be a fish or a bird?
A fish - but not a cod!!!
22. Last thing you broke?
My ex's heart
23. What are you having to eat tonight?
A Slimfast
24. What colour top are you wearing?
A Black/Grey 'Bench' T'Shirt
25. If you could be doing anything else today, what would you rather be doing?
I can't choose between having a lazy day in bed or going for a drink with the girls.
26. Do security cameras make you nervous?
Yes - especially if I'm drunk
27. Last concert you went to?
Athlete at the 'Band on the Wall' in Manchester
28. Next concert you're planning to attend?
I'm going to Glastonbury in June.
29. Do you talk to yourself?
All the time - I'm the only one who ever makes any sense.
30. Have you ever adopted or purchased a pet?
I dont' do animals.
Labels: meme, Random questions, Sunday Stealing
Never Trust...
Never trust anybody who only drinks Vodka
Never trust people who have a mono brow
Never trust people whose eyebrows are a different colour from their hair
Never trust politicians (particularly when speaking)
Never trust anybody who gives you a “vote of confidence”
Never trust anybody who doesn’t like garlic – they may be a vampire
Never trust a naked chef
Never trust a woman who says, your boyfriend is fit, to everybody but you
Never trust a big dog with a toothy grin
Never trust the woman who wants to climb the corporate ladder in record time - she's probably sleeping with your boyfriend
Never trust those who blame everything on their computer
Never trust a pension advisor
Never trust a plumber who wants paying in CASH
Never trust Simon Cowell
Never trust a psychologist
Never trust anybody who tries to palm something off on you for free
Never trust a spider, particularly if it is in your bedroom as you are about to go to sleep
Never trust a new car salesman
Never trust a second hand car salesman
Never trust a hairdresser with brightly coloured hair
Never trust a vampire who asks you out for a drink when it's a full moon
Never trust a your boss when she says “Have you got a minute?” at 4pm on a Friday afternoon
Never trust a celebrity who has to go on a reality TV show
Never trust a fat personal trainer
Never trust a guy who wants to buy you a double vodka on your hen night
Never trust a smiling traffic warden
Never trust anybody who says “trust me – I know what I’m doing
Never trust weathermen
Never trust anybody who insists on giving themselves a pretentious job title (e.g. a painter who calls himself a “Colour Distribution Technician”)
Never trust a wasp – it WILL sting you. Kill it!
Never trust an email that offers anything free
Never trust an alcoholic to look after your vodka whilst you visit the ladies
Never trust anyone who's been in 'X'factor audition
Never trust anybody who has a double-barrelled surname like “Garstang-Mills”
Never trust a woman whose name is pronounced differently from the spelling (for example Smith and she insists her name is “Smythe”
Never trust a person whose flat screen TV is bigger than their lounge
Never trust a decorator who tries you tell you the 'in' colour is 'Beige' - He's trying you fob you off with a job lott.
Never trust someone who smiles when they're telling your their cat died
Never trust an estate agent
Never trust a smiling crocodile
Never trust a child who's holding a paintbrush
Never trust a person who uses buz words like “The elephant in the corner”
Never trust what a guy says after three bottles of Becks
Never trust a woman who's had liposuction when she insists 'You look fab in that dress'
Never trust a guy who can't look you in the eye when he says he's sorry
Never trust anything you read in 'The Sun'
Never trust a woman who begins a sentence with “I’m not being funny but …”
Never trust a woman who has a new boyfriend every couple of months
Never trust a guy who has a new car every couple of months
Never trust your eyes when you have'nt put your contacts in
Never trust a madman who's holding a knife
Never trust a cat - It will scratch you!
Never trust Homer Simpson
Never trust a man that wears make-up
Never trust a shark
Never trust your boss - they're always looking for someone, smarter, prettier and who works for less!
Always trust yourself
Never trust people who have a mono brow
Never trust people whose eyebrows are a different colour from their hair
Never trust politicians (particularly when speaking)
Never trust anybody who gives you a “vote of confidence”
Never trust anybody who doesn’t like garlic – they may be a vampire
Never trust a naked chef
Never trust a woman who says, your boyfriend is fit, to everybody but you
Never trust a big dog with a toothy grin
Never trust the woman who wants to climb the corporate ladder in record time - she's probably sleeping with your boyfriend
Never trust those who blame everything on their computer
Never trust a pension advisor
Never trust a plumber who wants paying in CASH
Never trust Simon Cowell
Never trust a psychologist
Never trust anybody who tries to palm something off on you for free
Never trust a spider, particularly if it is in your bedroom as you are about to go to sleep
Never trust a new car salesman
Never trust a second hand car salesman
Never trust a hairdresser with brightly coloured hair
Never trust a vampire who asks you out for a drink when it's a full moon
Never trust a your boss when she says “Have you got a minute?” at 4pm on a Friday afternoon
Never trust a celebrity who has to go on a reality TV show
Never trust a fat personal trainer
Never trust a guy who wants to buy you a double vodka on your hen night
Never trust a smiling traffic warden
Never trust anybody who says “trust me – I know what I’m doing
Never trust weathermen
Never trust anybody who insists on giving themselves a pretentious job title (e.g. a painter who calls himself a “Colour Distribution Technician”)
Never trust a wasp – it WILL sting you. Kill it!
Never trust an email that offers anything free
Never trust an alcoholic to look after your vodka whilst you visit the ladies
Never trust anyone who's been in 'X'factor audition
Never trust anybody who has a double-barrelled surname like “Garstang-Mills”
Never trust a woman whose name is pronounced differently from the spelling (for example Smith and she insists her name is “Smythe”
Never trust a person whose flat screen TV is bigger than their lounge
Never trust a decorator who tries you tell you the 'in' colour is 'Beige' - He's trying you fob you off with a job lott.
Never trust someone who smiles when they're telling your their cat died
Never trust an estate agent
Never trust a smiling crocodile
Never trust a child who's holding a paintbrush
Never trust a person who uses buz words like “The elephant in the corner”
Never trust what a guy says after three bottles of Becks
Never trust a woman who's had liposuction when she insists 'You look fab in that dress'
Never trust a guy who can't look you in the eye when he says he's sorry
Never trust anything you read in 'The Sun'
Never trust a woman who begins a sentence with “I’m not being funny but …”
Never trust a woman who has a new boyfriend every couple of months
Never trust a guy who has a new car every couple of months
Never trust your eyes when you have'nt put your contacts in
Never trust a madman who's holding a knife
Never trust a cat - It will scratch you!
Never trust Homer Simpson
Never trust a man that wears make-up
Never trust a shark
Never trust your boss - they're always looking for someone, smarter, prettier and who works for less!
Always trust yourself
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